and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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