i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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