It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
