i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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