im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
