I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
