I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
