I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Randomize
