My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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