I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
