why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize