I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
