ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
