Bisexual people are plain selfish.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
