We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
A+ Viking dick
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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