is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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