I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
