doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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