i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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