I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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