oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
