just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
