you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
she smelled like a LAN party
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
