i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
