mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize