Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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