i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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