apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
