I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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