That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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