they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
