Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
