uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
