So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
