I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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