Already got asked if we're dating
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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