That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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