even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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