Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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