My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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