I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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