did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
