Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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