i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize