someone get that fucking seahorse.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
