Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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