I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
