Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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