I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
