I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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