Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
