it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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