Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize