He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
