no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
