Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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