worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
