I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
