im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
