It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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