Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Sober January is a disaster.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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