I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
