It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
