That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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